to become a mentol for a day

6 December

just because i found a slight hope of reunion in his words, he shattered my resolution again.

after what happened yesterday, i made up my mind already. i decided not to entertain him if he has no answer to my questions. by mean, no friendship as well. i am tired of both of them and i don't want them to interfere with my life ever again until i have the answer of what i am expecting.

though its sweet and sometimes bitter, the memories of the past which seems good and bad, are all fake. i started to doubt myself. which is real and which is fake. it's easier to conclude everything to fake. it's easy for me.

don't worry i will be eating good, sleeping good and working good in no time. it's time to harden my heart.

upon knowing my love failure, KC asked me out. we have not met each other since i was together with EC. if i listen to what KC warned me about EC, i wouldn't end up like this. KC is not an ordinary man. he was one of my ex, my very first love indeed. probably write about him next time.

he fetched me with his car in front of my house. in the front seat was his gf, Mel. my ex with a gf? yeah why not? i am happy KC turned straight and lead a normal life. although i wasn't sure how straight he is, let it just be the way he want it to be. both of them have been together for 7 months already and i have not heard any big explosion among them, which is good. looking at them, i felt good. yesterday's unfortunate was washed away just by being with them.

in his honda accord, he drove us to pavillion. Mel shopped like a crazy lady while we boys were the slave of the day. the more we walked, the more we have to carry. from the load i can estimate the total expenditure on clothes and bags worth more than rm800 already. well... thats what you can expect from rich boy and rich girl. since both of them are rich, shopping is not a problem and i am happy for them. no wonder they can stay happy.

KC suggested lunch in kampachi, while Mel suggested the loaf. i humbly suggested mcd but i was obligated to  wong kok after many discussions (mainly because it is cheaper than what they suggested, something i can afford) there, we talked about how i ended my relationship, what they did to me and what i did to soothe myself. the atmosphere was so intense when my tears began rolling on my cheek. i couldn't contain myself anymore. not because i am sad that i got dumped. in fact i dumped EC. i cried in the crowd because i was touched at what they said to me.

"everyone goes through that, it's part of life"
"you will get over it your own without fail"
"give yourself some time and i will be there for you"
"if you want to cry, lets go home"
"at home we have four shoulders to lend you"
"don't keep it to yourself. release it"
"i know you are at your weakest now, thats why we are here"
"you are going to walk this out just fine"
"anyway you are not alone"
"more importantly, you have much value in you than to deserve this"
"your family, friends, studies, work..."
"i am not pity you but as friends, this is the most we can do for you"
"everything depends on how you think and how you value yourself"
"stop hurting yourself. it makes us feel sad and worthless"

KC moved and sat next to me, patted me at my back and continued talking while Mel held my hands. i knew i shouldn't cry but it's beyond my control. it took me long to stop crying and start eating again. and then KC paid the bill leaving me no chance to pay.

after lunch, we shopped more and i had more time together with KC. we talked more on him and her, KC and Mel this time. from his words, i can hear the bliss they are going through. everything seems fine with them. Mel is his first gf, and hopefully the last for him. she has been overnighting in his house for many months already. Mel is from penang, studying in kl. i don't think KC is so innocent and Mel can leave the house safely without being eaten. you get what i mean? haha.

"how much does Mel know about us?" i asked, just in case i need to watch out from spitting too much secrets.
"well, she knew all about us. she knew i was with you last time. she knew i was gay. but this does not stop us together"
"well i guess trust is the important element here. unlike mine, betrayed by 2 person at once"
"don't say that. at least you found out early, then you end early. that's better than not knowing anything"
"yea i guess so"

then we watched new moon. with credit card, we cut a lot of queue and straight away collect our tix from reservation counter. in the cinema he constantly checked if i am cold or not, just like last time. but unlike last time, my hands escaped his grip and put his hands back on his gf's. i reminded him to behave as a good bf. he just smiled and offered me his jumper.

after movie we had dessert in hong kong place and we 3 shared mango lolo and bobo chacha. not very good. and i didn't get the chance to pay again. in the toilet i hugged him very tight, and thanked him for today. it was just a short hug. friends hug. i really wanted to do it earlier but didn't dare because Mel was with us. after all, i better remain some gap as friends to reduce jealousy from his gf, just in case.

KC has never changed. he is still the trustworthy person i knew. he is wise and intelligent and calm and caring as always. he has the aura that charms everyone around me. i was one example. his hand, his smell, his smile. always able to wash away my troubles. even so, it doesn't change the fact that he was the past. whats past let be past. sometimes we are better off as friends than as lover. he has a gf already. i don't deny i still have a bit feeling on him, but that should not be the reason to separate them. or maybe i don't have the ability to do so to begin with.

after being stirred up by EC, my heart is at peace again. is it because of KC's assurance? or maybe its because while my mind was in chaos trying to think of a way to clear my mind, KC again appears in my life. don't you think KC is my angel? i think he is.

i hope it's as you said. time will heal. and thank you for today. you really help.

p/s: there are complains that my blog is missing apostrophe ( ' ), making it hard to read. he's become hes. who's become whos. i know it sounds so wrong and i am sorry but my keyboard is spoilt. so the ( ' ) button is not functioning. but i bought a new keyboard from pc fair yesterday, so i will fix all posts with appropriate apostrophe hehe. sorry for the inconvenience caused.

i am too idle already nothing to do. hopefully something exciting to come before i start working life... >_<

hugs,

Evan