melaka christmas

greetings.

without prior notice, i left this sad place for a night trip to melaka. wondering who i went with? with KC again? Andy? or new bf? no no no. i went with my family and my cousin, Rex's family, and his gf, and other cousins' bfs and gfs.

25 Dec

so many people in melaka that day, we couldn't find a place in to dine in. a little advise for you. do not go to famous places on public holidays such as christmas, new year, chinese new year, bla bla bla. go and you suffer like us.

it was just a day trip. we wanted melaka luk luk and chicken rice balls but everywhere was people lining up. for the day, we travelled by foot because melaka traffic was bad. nothing much when the sun was still rising but the night view was fantastic. for the first time i celebrate my christmas outstation. overall, the trip was boring.

if there was a memorable event during the trip, it would be the leng zai stadhuys ice cream man. he, 31 years old, was tanned. he didn't look like 31. i thought he was 25. i was bored and excused myself for an ice cream when i noticed him standing near the fountain. not much of business he had. wearing a singlet and apek shorts, he kept ringing the bell to attract customers. i initiated the talk by asking how his business was, and he replied with 'ma ma dei' even it was on christmas.

he is a married man with a daughter. though a straight man, he has an aura that attracts me dearly. we talked about his family, the business, challenges, tourist, melaka, my background, education, peers, astro and english. he is a good english speaker. he gave me advise on how to overcome the fear of love - by keeping myself busy. ya ya we were talking about my love (i didn't mention i am gay) luckily he had a chair for me otherwise i would stand for an hour chatting with him. i had a lot of ice creams, i tried all the flavours. we stopped when his china-looking wife and 10 year old daughter visited him for late lunch with him. after exchanged christmas wishes, i left them and looked for my family. honestly i love talking to him. i didn't dare to ask for his contact but if there is chance i will visit him again next time. he won't retire so fast, right?

that's all for my christmas. nothing great to share. now i am back to my sad place. new year plan is still on its way. merry christmas everyone.

merry christmas,
Evan

genting 2

finally, it's here...

again credited to you know who. blame him for delay. (cruel)

20 Dec

it's midnight already. when we reached our room, i was joking that KC and Mel would be having sex by now. he also jokingly asked to check out. i agreed so we quietly put our ears on KC room's door (next to us) and listened carefully. after 10 minutes, we left.

back in the room me and Andy had our bath respectively. after bath he came out with his shirt on but towel wrapping his waist. he claimed that the toilet is wet and he cannot change his pants. huh? whatever. bad excuse, i think. and then he put on his pants and took off the towel. and then i took my bath, came out and to realize he was on his bed already, with a bottle of carlsberg in his hand. shamelessly i grabbed a bottle and drank too.

we chat more later at night. pillow talk. i was on my bed and he was on his. separated by a gap between the bed, we continued talking from where we had stopped in the lunch. just when i was about to drunk he asked me about my love.

"what do you want to know about my love life?"
"you and KC are together right?"
"we were, not are"
"i thought you broke up and get back to KC"
"that's so nonsense. KC has Mel and I wouldn't break them apart"
"then i think i think too much"
"nevertheless i did broke up not long ago"
"mind to share?

and i started telling stories. of how me and DL started. and then on how we left each other. followed by how EC came to my life. then to how everything ended with mistrust and betrayal. as i spoke, my voice was getting softer. i turned around with my back facing him, to hide my tears.

"are you ok evan?"
"..." i whispered and continued drinking.

and i continued on how i felt on them with my trembling voice. i was foolish to tell him how i really felt. he sure thinks i am a fool who does not know how to let go. i still love EC. i cannot continue anymore as i burst into tears.

i did not know how he came out with few packets of tissue, he came over my bed, sat next to where i lied, turned me around and wipe my tears like how a mum would do to her baby. i continued ranting, complaining, crying and shouting in disappointment as he kept listening and wipe my nose and eyes. he showed a serious face at first, but later he smiled.

"i am glad you are still crying. the moment you cry meaning that you are still yourself. meaning that you did not change for someone who hurted you. you are still yourself regardless of what circumstances you are going through"
"idiot. if i can become stronger and stop crying, you wouldn't need to look at my pathetic face now" i said.
"who say you are pathetic? if failing relationship means pathetic, there are many pathetics in this world. no one would blame you for your relationship. the way you are now is better than those who pretend to be strong and cheat themselves into illusion that they are strong and determined. you are a good person and you did your best already"

just to name a few, there were more he said down the list but i could not gather all his 'wisdom'.

hug like this

i sat myself up on the bed, i hug him from his waist, deepened my head to his abs and continued crying. he played with my hair and continue comforting me. he was so warm. and gentle. not long later he put me into sleeping position, this time he lied on my bed too. i placed my head on his chest while he hug me like how EC usually hugs me. i pressed my head hard on his chest, wiped the remaining tears that kept flowing on his shirt.

"i am sorry if i hurt you with my words. there are many comforting ways to calm you but reality is reality. don't feel bad because you cannot stand up on a little failure. you have people around you who care and care. it doesn't matter if you feel sad now. you will learn to stand and start walking again. time will heal. but you do not have much time. you have a lot more to do"

his words did bring slight protection and comfort to me. he continued his words. this time i kept my mouth shut and bite his shirt. i pitied his shirt because it was stained with the blood from my gums. but i couldn't find other way to release my feeling. i was sobbing all the time he couldn't hear me properly. i continued listening to his heart beat and realized he has a hard chest.

"your words are very different from others"
"i hope they don't sound dumb and crappy" he said.
"at one point, they do" i jokingly said.

and we both laughed. more or less i am much relaxed already. i feel much lighter.

"do you mind if i ask?" i asked.
"what is that?"
"may i safely assume that you are gay too?"
"i am bi"
"does hugging me make you uncomfortable?"
"not at all. let me tell you. i don't like to force myself to do what i don't like to do"
"then do you mind if i sleep naked?" i asked, in hope that he says no.
"if you feel comfortable with it, go ahead"
"nah... i don't want to move away from this position. damn comfortable"
"hahahaha i didn't know you have this habit"
"i was joking with you" i lied and covered my blush face.

"if you feel uncomfortable, move me ok?"
"sure i will. you don't have to worry me" he replied with a godly smile carved on his face.
"ok"
"take some rest. we had a tiring day today. you don't mind being my friend right?"
"the reason why i tell you so much is because i treat you as a friend. agree?"
"i just want to have your confirmation" he smiled and i replied with a knock on his head.

the night was so long and slow. i am glad i can still laugh. definitely due to Andy's warm protection that night. it was so comfortable that i did not know when i fell asleep in his arms. the feeling of being hugged and protected is awesome. i was sure i was drunk already.

the next morning, i woke up when Andy moved his body and left for shower. i had the burning sensation on my body probably due to last night's alcohol. i checked myself. clothes on. underwear not inside out. no sight of cum stain. hole was still tight. the condom in my wallet untouched. hahahaha this guy is really a good guy. i moved over to the side he slept on, felt the warmness of the bed and rolled a few times. looked at my phone, it was 11 am. way past the breakfast buffet.

the rest of the day was nothing. KC sent us back home and i started writing this.

cheers;
Evan

genting 1

credited to you know who

19 Dec

in KC's honda accord 4 of us drove up to genting. KC, Mel, Andy and me. the couple were so talkative but me and Andy were so quiet. the couple kept opening topics for us to chat together, but because i was not familiar with Andy, i kept quiet most of the time. i am not into socializing. more like an introvert?

we reached genting at 9.40 am. i didn't know why we reached so early for, as we cannot check in hotels till 12 pm. we left our luggage in first world bell counter and went for a walk. for the breeze. for shopping. anything till the clock stroked 12.

during the period, the couple were having fun shopping here and there. holding hands here and there. kissing here and there. while me and Andy were following behind them, kept shaking our heads. many times me and Andy attempted some conversations but in the end we smiled off and looked at the sweet couple. maybe i was too tired to start talking and knowing people at the moment.

i didn't have an official introduction with Andy till we entered and rested in the hotel room. it was a deluxe room with 2 beds.

"hi, i am andy"
"hi, i am evan"
"you look so tired. are you ok?"
"yea i am fine"

and we went silent again. we made ourselves busy by unpacking and walking around for nothing. before i could lie on my bed, he broke the silence.

"do you mind if i take my shower first? or do you want to go first?"
"after you"

i was expecting him to take off his shirts and pants, wrap himself in his towel and walk to the toilet. but he didn't. he walked in toilet with his clean clothes and towel, locked the door and i could hear the water sound. so disappointing. sitting there, i wondered what kind of people he is. according to KC, he is a nice guy and friendly. oh... probably i need to try harder to break the ice. i told myself, i will start talking to him after he finished his bath.

"do you mind? go to my bag and take out my other shirt for me? i took the wrong one" he yelled with the door slightly opened.
"sure. wait a moment"
"thanks"

while i was checking his bag for his yellow t, he placed his shirts at the most bottom of his bag. his jeans on top. socks at the side. but i never see any underwear. maybe he is planning to wear the same since it was only a night stay.

i passed him his shirt and later he came out from toilet with his hair wet, in his yellow t and white bermuda. its my turn to bathe. i usually will take off my shirt and pants and wrap my towel on my waist before going in, and will come out again with my towel to change. but since Andy was there and we were not close, i did not do it. not that i am shy or didn't want to show him anything. i just didn't want to seduce him lol.

i simply let the water hit my body for few minutes. and then i dried myself, get myself into full attire before i stepped out the toilet.

"KC said Mel's sleeping and asked us to get lunch by ourselves"
"it's ok. i let you decide where to eat"

KC must have planned for this, to create chances for us to be alone, and to talk. if it is his plan, i did not want to waste his effort. during our lunch in old town, we talked more about our education, our families, religion. we didn't touch about love and sex because 1) i did not know whether he is straight or gay 2) i did not want to start talking unless he started it first

Andy is the second son of a single mother. born in penang, he is studying in kl. age 22. a swimmer. represented his school for swimming competition. studying advertising marketing (what is that?) he likes penang food such as assam laksa and ojien. likes sudoku, psp and he is a dota freak. he is an athist (does not believe in god) and we argue a lot in this.

about his appearance, he has the same height as me. 170cm. he is 60kg. i believe he has a built body since he is a swimmer. his biceps are so hard (he let me touched) he has a piercing on his left ear, he dyed his hair red but is coming off. his hair isn't too long but is handled neatly. he doesn't have a smooth face texture, so do i. straight acting, quite bossy and i believe he is a hot-tempered person as well. his favourite attire is typical tshirt and jeans. can imagine?

we got closer, more topics to talk about and though we have many differences, we kept talking till KC and Mel joined us. it was 3pm already and we left them to rest at hotel room.

in hotel room, i wanted to sleep until the concert started. so i put myself to sleep but fail. i kept rolling on bed because i need something to hug. i always hug my bolster when i sleep. i took a pillow and placed it below me. Andy took another shower. he is a clean freak. i pretend to sleep, see if he will come out naked. guess what? he came out the toilet with full attire again. he arranged his dirty clothes by his bedside, then he climbed on his bed, covered himself with blanket and then placed his towel on a chair nearby.

"why didn't he come out naked?" i whispered in my heart.

so he slept while i couldn't stop thinking.

i waited 4 hours just to look at him sleeping. all the time his back was facing me so i could see nothing. i pretend to wake up from yawning, which in fact i really yawn due to my tiredness. he opened his eyes when i woke him up.

"nice sleep? come and have dinner now"

"alright let me wash my face first"

we called KC and Mel, met in coffee terrace and had our dinner there. not good. taste not good. price not good. heart felt not good spending on KC. Mel was yapping about her excitement seeing lam fung later. she is his fans. i don't give a damn actually. lam fung is cute but he will never be mine. i never listen to his songs. and i didn't know how to enjoy later. when Andy left for toilet i quickly pulled KC aside and asked if Andy is gay or straight.

"go find out yourself. but he knows you are gay" said KC.

"damn you don't have to tell around i am gay:

"how? who do you think will sleep with you if they didn't know you are gay?"

ohhh... i think i get what he meant and i get my answer too.

the time had come. lam fung appeared at the stage and sang his first song. second song. third song. the list continued. i wasn't too amazed with his performance, but i really did when Mel shouted so loud for encore. all i felt is cold and shaky. i did not have a warmer jacket. chattering teeth followed by the urge to visit toilet.

by the time everyone left arena of stars, i was very sleepy already. we had some midnight walk around genting, took some pictures, snacks and supper, and finally casino. Andy won couple of hundreds and bought few bottles carlsberg before we called it a day.

in the room, to be continued...

hugs,

Evan

i am back for 7 hours

i am not planning to write long on this vacation. i was not at all enjoying myself. i felt tired, not to mention i was bored and lonely during the trip.

on air asia we left kl for langkawi on monday 14th.

to be honest, i was not interested in this family vacation. what is good with langkawi? shopping? makam mahsuri? food? none was attracting.

we did not sign up for the snorkeling or visit mangrove islands. we stayed on the main island and visited some tourist attractions. makam mahsuri. galeria perdana. aquarium. boring. but the cable car was a breathtaking sight. i love it so much. watching the sky turned from blue to orange and then to dark. most probably the most worthwhile day throughout the trip to watch the sun set from a high ground.

other than that? beaches with family was super boring. not only there was no eye candies, i was alone and no one to play with. i rather stay in the hotel and sleep for the whole trip if you ask yea yea sheraton hotel's environment is a pleasant one. friendly staffs too.

alone in the beach

5 days in langkawi was too much to me. i am glad i come back kl and get some real sleep. but in 7 hours i have to leave again for genting. during the days in langkawi, i really miss kl and computer hahahaha

very little time left to rest. time to say goodnight and have a nice weekend.

a souvenir for you all - snapped with uncle's black bazooka camera

came back and leaving soon,
Evan

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one last post before i disappear for a week.

few nights already i've been checking outside my window. i didn't realize i have neighbours living opposite my house. the opposite house is a rented house, if i am not mistaken 4 people stay in there. like mine, 4 rooms per house.

one particular reason i keep looking out is because of a person. over the last 7 days, there were 3 days he lompat tali topless in his room. that's not all. he always wear short red pants and that was very eye attracting. sometimes he jumps and sometimes he lompat tali. the other 4 days, he let his curtain down. put me into many imagination.

i couldn't see how he looks like. hopefully he is around 25 years old. maybe i should wear a red pants and start jumping to attract his attention? but before that, i should buy a binocular and check him out first. who knows i see wrongly and he's actually a girl? lol

leaving soon,
Evan

part 5 - when was your first time looking a real one so close?

let's roll back to my memories in early 2000, when i was still 13. if it wasn't the july camp that i attended, i wouldn't have a nice view of what man is made of.

so much that i know i am gay since young, i have never seen a real man's cock until i was 13 in the jungle. (the one i saw in beach when i was small was not counted as i did not know anything ^_^) it was a camp to break the ice between the new members, and only few of us attended as cadets wasn't popular in our school. we are all quite open with our flesh. you see, when a bunch of boys from boy school hang out together, our topics are all about boobs and pussies. while we were discussing about those in swimming trunks by the river, one by one jumped into the river to hide the boners they built. the cool water de-boned their tents immediately but i was the only one staying on the land, unwet.

curious to why didn't i made follow to river, they formed a circle and whispered among themselves. i believe they came into a conclusion when they climbed up from the river bank. the six of them (RL, PK, Shawn, MC, KC and WY) had a plan in their minds, i can tell was a wicked one. few of them hesitated but was convinced.

few minutes after further discussion, they surrounded me. they were in nothing but swimming trunks. WY and MC wore a skimpy ones, which are way too low their waist, revealing some of their nicely trimmed bushes. the rest wore triangle trunks, blue, black and red. the most special one is SS, wearing white underwear. and i can see through his cock just by staring with naked eye.

in an immediate move, all of them removed their trunks down to the ankle. i was so innocent that i didn't expect any of this to happen and didn't have time to react. the shy but brave ones covered their cocks with hands, some barely covered due to the boners they had. while some stood in wet proudly in front of me revealing their uncut cocks, i began building a boner myself. SHIT!

i can tell they have nice cocks for asian. they are not very well built at the time. but their bodies turned me on. the most handsome, yet the most muscular among all, MC, 6' tall had a 6" long, 3" width cock hanging low. and his balls are dangling low. i don't really like the hairy balls he has but the length of his thick cock covers the incentive. i can tell it's long, and it's not even a boner yet. others have hanging cocks around 4"-5", heavy pubes and some hair on their chests. not to mention that MC has pointed red cherry nipples. so tempting.

unable to cover my own cock which was popping out of the trunk band, i jumped into the river. followed by them, surrounded me in naked, grinning.

"what are you doing?"
"to test if you have boners by looking at guys"
"come on get a life"
"we got the answer"

they let go off me after they wrestled and took off my trunk and swim off in nude. i must admit that they were very open at their age. i thought this could only happen in western countries but it happened on me, in malaysia. and i must admit too that swimming free ball is fantastic. the cold stream through your balls and your cocks flaps your thigh in every move. but i was shy. i didn't get up from the river until they returned my trunk. the 6 of them formed close bonds out of sudden, because i see them walking in nude in jungle, swim in nude, cook in nude, everything in nude. something that i don't expect to see when i thought they were so straight acting in school but in the jungle they can go crazy.

i remained quiet the whole day, being shy of found out my natural habit. but thanks to them, i had a wonderful view of that year. they are good looking, gorgeous and with nice cocks. what i didn't understand was of why did they want to test me? the camp continued for 4 days, and i get to see my friends in nude for 4 days altogether, giving me an excitement chill for the week. you can say its a nude camping. and I can't keep myself hiding from boners, because i was excited throughout the camp. with that, they keep teasing me and asked me to strip everything. "don't be shy" they said. but the max i can do was no further than my underwear. i was shy. i need to cover my constant boner. not to mention its freezing cold at night. but i see RL and PK had boners like me, and i tell you. they look gorgeous when they stretch out to relax. they are gymnast, and they have good body and flexibility. i think they can bend and suck on their own cocks too.

i saw SS tfk-ed behind the bush but i made no deal about that because i was on duty in cooking. i remained silence of his session. i think its normal, isn't it? after the camp, we remained normal friends, and will have a same camping trip next year, and every year. from there on, we formed bonds, friendship and companionship that i appreciate, even now. every year, we have new members joining us and the new members were shocked with our culture of camping. but they adapted faster than i thought.

13 was the age i get to have good look at real man's cock. not just from pornos. reals are more turn on. how i wish i can hold them in my hand. i was wondering. how does it feel to hold one in my hand. but i didn't dare to touch. after all we are still new to each other and friends have limitations. all off, i was conservative.

oh well. what a breath taking sight for a 13 year old boy.

hugs,
Evan

untitled 0002

copied from one of the random blogs.

y0u'Re Th3 tHoUgHt ThAt $tArTs 3@Ch MoRn!nG,
tHe CoNcLu$i0n To 3@Ch D@Y.
y0u Ar3 iN @Ll ThAt ! d0,
@Nd 3v3rYtHiNg ! sAy.

YoU'r3 tHe $m!l3 oN mY fAc3,
tHe Tw!nKl3 iN mY eYe.
Th3 wArMtH iNs!d3 mY h3@Rt,
Th3 fUlLn3s$ iN mY l!f3.

y0u'Re Th3 hAnD tH@T's L@CeD iN m!n3,
@Nd Th3 c0@T uPoN mY bAcK.
mY fRi3nD, mY l0v3,
mY sHoUlDeR t0 l3@N oN.

y0u'Re My $iLlY, mAtUr3, cAr!nG,
tHoUgHtFuL, bRiGhT, @Nd HoNe$t GuY.
tHe 0n3 wHo HoLd$ m3 t!gHtLy,
Wh3n ! n3eD t0 cRy.

YoU'r3 tHe DiMpLe !n My Ch3eK,
tHe 3v3r-CoNsT@Nt TiNgLe !n My $oUl.
Th3 v0iCe ThAt M@Ke$ m3 w3@K,
tHe H@Pp!n3s$ oF mY l!f3.

y0u Ar3 aLl !'v3 wAnTeD,
y0u Ar3 aLl ! n3eD.
y0u Ar3 aLl !'v3 dReAm3d 0f,
YoU @Re AlL oF tHi$ t0 m3.

- m3l!s$@ CoLl3tTe -

this is a beautiful poem.

but if this is the way the poem is presented, i find it very irritating.
feel like punching on the face whoever writes this way.
imagine reading sms like this. omg @_@ can die faster.
very irritating. annoying. please stop it!!!

hugs,
Evan

part 4 - natural art

18sx. underage please leave. don't say i never warn.

when did you first realize you have bushes in your ketiak?
i was 11 years old when i first saw myself with bulu ketiak.

when did you first realize you have misai on your face?
i wasn't sure, i don't give a damn.

when did you first realize you have pubes down the body?
i was 11 years old when i first saw myself in the mirror, together with bulu ketiak.

seriously, do you remember how you first masturbated?
i cannot remember the details, but i can try to elaborate.

i learned the word masturbation, or in chinese tfk in the july of 13 years old. i wasn't not sure if i was a bit late to learn it or not. but when i performed my first tfk, i did not have idea of how masturbation works, or how masturbation feels, or how masturbation supposed to be. simple to say, i did not know what is tfk when i first tfk. in another word, i wasn't aware of what i did.

my first tfk experience was when i was 13 years old, celebrating chinese new year. most people first discovered in the toilet, in shower or in their bed room. but for me i did my first tfk in front of tv. most of you would think i put in some pornos while doing it but in fact i was watching dragon ball (nothing close to porn). one asked "how would dragon ball able to stimulate you?" i did not answer him.

i was watching alone and i didn't knew that time, for no reason i moved my cock around my lose shorts. i am a free baller, so it was let loose easily. then i moved my fingers to my cock, wrapped it and naturally i stroked it up and down while watching gohan trains with picollo. i didn't understand why i did it but it sure felt nice doing it. i shrugged many times that day and i stopped my movement to calm myself. the sensation was too nice that i repeated it many times, only to find out very very very much later that i had orgasm. i started again and the sensation became more intense. i kept doing it and i did not know what's in my mind back then. many hours past, i suffered many sweats and enjoyed many pleasure that was sent down my spine. my cock was rock hard all the time and luckily no one was in the room to interrupt me. i guess i was curious and playing around too much.

i continued till the pleasure reached the biggest intensity. after awhile i felt the the burning sensation in my cock i had never felt before and i thought i was about to pee. i cannot contain the pleasure and pain, i let out a loud moan and 'pee' in front of the tv, on the floor. to my surprise it was dry, milky and sticky. omg! what happened? why is my pee so dry?

shocked, i cleaned myself and woke my cousin, Rex (i was staying at my uncles house) showed him the 'pee' and asked him what happened. he suggested i drink more water to hydrate myself. so i followed his instruction and later i pee properly in the toilet. the watery, clear pee was back. thank god.

that was my first tfk experience. paiseh it was humiliating to tell it out loud.

i did not dare to touch my cock anymore, afraid that i might 'pee' something weird again. but after the cny holiday, in the sex discussion with my classmates, i realized that i did not pee but instead i cum, which is normal for tfk. so tfk, cum, orgasm... everything became lights and i see through many things already. i did not tfk till months later i was daring again, with something erotic in my mind. i was sure that my second time gave more pleasure than my first. more practices and the art improved, thanks to the guidance, suggestion from friends and internet.

see? i told you i discovered many things in boy school, though tfk was self discovery.

hugs,
Evan

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9 December

i've known him for many years already. finally he has agreed to show me his webcam.

it was 2am.

i checked out many cc around my house, see if they have webcam supplied. i found one, rather expensive, dirty, smelly, smoky, malaynized and slow.

ya ya. finally i can see his face.

jeng jeng jeng...
after see...
oh... you are like that...
ok time to go.

nice to meet you ^_^

note: don't go to dirty cc. i went for webcam and fell sick. really not worth the effort.

hugs,
Evan

part 3 - entering boys world

after my primary school, i entered one of the premier schools in kl with excellent upsr results. upsr was too easy and not worth making a fuss about. it is not an ordinary premier school. to my delight it is full of talented students, which consisted of 100% boys. yes it is a boy school. knowing myself studying there in the future excited me for many days.

i did not believe my eyes when i first stepped into the school. they are all boys in uniform looked neat and scared. as a freshman myself, i am scared too. i sat next to HK and we became friends to help each other out. later, we manage to make more friends and network widened. i still remember HK and I stayed back together and did our revision together. i was very hardworking back when i was young.

boy school was fun. during pj, the boys strip down to their underwear and changed to their attires without shy. i get to see their undeveloped bodies for free all the time. some wore red briefs, black briefs, boxers. too bad, topless in the field was not allowed. the only time i can enjoy more eye candies was during the swimming class. all boys would change to their trunks in the public, of course covered with towels. but it was still a sight to enjoy. boys changing to blue and black trunks swimming in the pool gracefully as fishes. i tried to learn swimming but always drowned. i actually hate swimming because looking at them gave me boner and very hard to hide in trunk.

the longer i stayed in the school, the more people i noticed good looking, especially athletic seniors on the field. they were tanned and fit, built and handsome. my favourite past time was to sit by the field and study. there are some nerd librarians who are good looking too and once a while i dropped by for free air con and eye candies.

at the same time i watched myself carefully not to spill a bean on my sexuality. it was dangerous and i did not want to risk being found out so soon. it was months later that paper cannot wrap fire, i came out from closet too soon and let few of them know (very suspiciously i think they are gay too).

i knew this would be the world for me just right to grow. maybe every school is the same elsewhere, but my sex knowledge began here. very much alike with anyone, from a white innocent cloth i was painted colours of the rainbow. this was the place i further determined my sexual orientation.

hugs,
Evan

Raymond in genting

it will be my first concert in my entire life. i give it to him.

raymond in genting live on 19th Decemeber. without the need to discuss with me, KC bought 4 tickets, 1 for him, 1 for Mel, 1 for me and another one is reserved. most probably is ps 3. well, if i don't have any candidate to accompany me on that day, he will ask his friend to go with me. most probably i will let him decide the fate of the last ticket. it is his ticket, not mine. meals should be covered by him. hotel room too. i don't need to worry anything, just enjoy the day - so he speaks. do i have the chance to voice out? haha no but KC is the kind of person who doesn't need approval and discussion.

still wondering if we 4 people staying in 1 room or 2 rooms. if its 2 rooms... omg. hopefully he is a nice guy. remind me to bring extra condom ya lol.

hugs,
Evan

to become a mentol for a day

6 December

just because i found a slight hope of reunion in his words, he shattered my resolution again.

after what happened yesterday, i made up my mind already. i decided not to entertain him if he has no answer to my questions. by mean, no friendship as well. i am tired of both of them and i don't want them to interfere with my life ever again until i have the answer of what i am expecting.

though its sweet and sometimes bitter, the memories of the past which seems good and bad, are all fake. i started to doubt myself. which is real and which is fake. it's easier to conclude everything to fake. it's easy for me.

don't worry i will be eating good, sleeping good and working good in no time. it's time to harden my heart.

upon knowing my love failure, KC asked me out. we have not met each other since i was together with EC. if i listen to what KC warned me about EC, i wouldn't end up like this. KC is not an ordinary man. he was one of my ex, my very first love indeed. probably write about him next time.

he fetched me with his car in front of my house. in the front seat was his gf, Mel. my ex with a gf? yeah why not? i am happy KC turned straight and lead a normal life. although i wasn't sure how straight he is, let it just be the way he want it to be. both of them have been together for 7 months already and i have not heard any big explosion among them, which is good. looking at them, i felt good. yesterday's unfortunate was washed away just by being with them.

in his honda accord, he drove us to pavillion. Mel shopped like a crazy lady while we boys were the slave of the day. the more we walked, the more we have to carry. from the load i can estimate the total expenditure on clothes and bags worth more than rm800 already. well... thats what you can expect from rich boy and rich girl. since both of them are rich, shopping is not a problem and i am happy for them. no wonder they can stay happy.

KC suggested lunch in kampachi, while Mel suggested the loaf. i humbly suggested mcd but i was obligated to  wong kok after many discussions (mainly because it is cheaper than what they suggested, something i can afford) there, we talked about how i ended my relationship, what they did to me and what i did to soothe myself. the atmosphere was so intense when my tears began rolling on my cheek. i couldn't contain myself anymore. not because i am sad that i got dumped. in fact i dumped EC. i cried in the crowd because i was touched at what they said to me.

"everyone goes through that, it's part of life"
"you will get over it your own without fail"
"give yourself some time and i will be there for you"
"if you want to cry, lets go home"
"at home we have four shoulders to lend you"
"don't keep it to yourself. release it"
"i know you are at your weakest now, thats why we are here"
"you are going to walk this out just fine"
"anyway you are not alone"
"more importantly, you have much value in you than to deserve this"
"your family, friends, studies, work..."
"i am not pity you but as friends, this is the most we can do for you"
"everything depends on how you think and how you value yourself"
"stop hurting yourself. it makes us feel sad and worthless"

KC moved and sat next to me, patted me at my back and continued talking while Mel held my hands. i knew i shouldn't cry but it's beyond my control. it took me long to stop crying and start eating again. and then KC paid the bill leaving me no chance to pay.

after lunch, we shopped more and i had more time together with KC. we talked more on him and her, KC and Mel this time. from his words, i can hear the bliss they are going through. everything seems fine with them. Mel is his first gf, and hopefully the last for him. she has been overnighting in his house for many months already. Mel is from penang, studying in kl. i don't think KC is so innocent and Mel can leave the house safely without being eaten. you get what i mean? haha.

"how much does Mel know about us?" i asked, just in case i need to watch out from spitting too much secrets.
"well, she knew all about us. she knew i was with you last time. she knew i was gay. but this does not stop us together"
"well i guess trust is the important element here. unlike mine, betrayed by 2 person at once"
"don't say that. at least you found out early, then you end early. that's better than not knowing anything"
"yea i guess so"

then we watched new moon. with credit card, we cut a lot of queue and straight away collect our tix from reservation counter. in the cinema he constantly checked if i am cold or not, just like last time. but unlike last time, my hands escaped his grip and put his hands back on his gf's. i reminded him to behave as a good bf. he just smiled and offered me his jumper.

after movie we had dessert in hong kong place and we 3 shared mango lolo and bobo chacha. not very good. and i didn't get the chance to pay again. in the toilet i hugged him very tight, and thanked him for today. it was just a short hug. friends hug. i really wanted to do it earlier but didn't dare because Mel was with us. after all, i better remain some gap as friends to reduce jealousy from his gf, just in case.

KC has never changed. he is still the trustworthy person i knew. he is wise and intelligent and calm and caring as always. he has the aura that charms everyone around me. i was one example. his hand, his smell, his smile. always able to wash away my troubles. even so, it doesn't change the fact that he was the past. whats past let be past. sometimes we are better off as friends than as lover. he has a gf already. i don't deny i still have a bit feeling on him, but that should not be the reason to separate them. or maybe i don't have the ability to do so to begin with.

after being stirred up by EC, my heart is at peace again. is it because of KC's assurance? or maybe its because while my mind was in chaos trying to think of a way to clear my mind, KC again appears in my life. don't you think KC is my angel? i think he is.

i hope it's as you said. time will heal. and thank you for today. you really help.

p/s: there are complains that my blog is missing apostrophe ( ' ), making it hard to read. he's become hes. who's become whos. i know it sounds so wrong and i am sorry but my keyboard is spoilt. so the ( ' ) button is not functioning. but i bought a new keyboard from pc fair yesterday, so i will fix all posts with appropriate apostrophe hehe. sorry for the inconvenience caused.

i am too idle already nothing to do. hopefully something exciting to come before i start working life... >_<

hugs,

Evan

damn you and f*** off

5 December

EC (the ex i broke up with recently) asked me out today. i didnt have anything to do at home so i agreed. he asked me to meet at his house but i insisted on meeting him in pc fair.

pc fair has a lot of things to see and if i have the cash i would buy an external hard disk. there are a lot of gadgets, a lot of cameras and hot "ducks" ^_^.

i saw him coming from the entrance of hall 3 but i pretended not to see him. i let him found me on purpose and he led me out of the place as it was too noisy to talk, so he said.

he invited me on lunch and since he was treating, why would i reject his offer? i had prosperity burger for my lunch while he had big mc. big mc is my favourite in mcd. he let me had a bite of his in return he took one mouth of my prosperity. fine, a fair trade.

he invited me back home after lunch. as the day was pretty boring, i followed him back to his house. as i entered his house, i can smell the stench of his unwashed clothes piling in his room neatly. he still put the present i gave him on his table. i took my bath in his house like i always do. let the shower hit me hard and washed away my tiredness. i came out in full attire (jeans and shirt) so that i did not increase his horniness and to avoid unnecessary actions.

"wheres DL (also my ex, but dating EC at the moment)?"

"at home, why?"

"why am i here?"

"we can chat quietly here"

"what are we chatting?"

and then slowly he approached me from behind, wrap his hands around my body and hugged me gently and tightly. i did not resist. i knew very well i still miss him, no matter how much i hate him. i miss his smell. i miss his hug. i felt so warm and protected with him hugging me. he put his head next to mine from behind, whispered...

"i am sorry dear"

"sorry, what dear?" (my heart melted)

"no matter what you are still my dear"

"who is DL to you then?"

"my other dear"

"you are just another jerk. you love me or my body?"

he shut my mouth by deep kissing me and i can still taste the tomato sauce he had earlier.

"you have not answered me!"

this time he slipped his fingers into my pants, trying to reach my weak spot. it didnt take long to unbuttoned my shirt and jeans and reached my cock. and i felt weak immediately.

still kissing me, he rubbed his hand on my chest and my cock. i dont deny i feel good being rubbed again, probably because i didnt cum for a long time already. but i know very well what he wants and who he is. i elbowed him on his stomach hard enough to let him groan in pain. i re-buttoned my shirt and pants bring myself to light.

"EC, if you really love me you wouldnt have DL between us"

"EC, if what you want is my body, there a lot better out there"

"EC, if you think that i will return to you, convince me first"

"EC, i still love you but can you please behave as a good bf?"

"EC, if you have not answered all my request, can you please stop disturbing me?"

"EC, DL should be waiting for you. it is not me who you should ask out"

i knew his house too well. i left his house as if it was my house, and walked to tasik selatan lrt, head back home and acted as if nothing had happened. in my room i cried and hated EC more. i love him at the same time he is hurting me more.

if i want to hang out, i can find anyone but not him. if i want to make love, it will not be with him. i would have lower down my morality by seeking ons with other people than to do with a heart breaker such as him. i shouldnt entertain his offer and now i regret go out with him. its already hard to put myself together and he was doing it again. damn him for entering my life and please f*** off.

tearing apart,

Evan

part 2 - my first kiss?

credited to you know who.

first kiss award goes to my mum! hahaha.

if she is not counted, it was a farewell party for school leavers (primary 6, 12 years old) when i had my first kiss and i was part of the cast for a fairy tale sketch. in the snow white sketch, i was suppose to kiss her in the last scene. yes, i am a prince.

i took the cast very seriously. when my friends knew i am going to kiss the princess, they giggled and smiled as if it was something embarrassing to do. i was like... uhh. why do i have to kiss her? yes thinking of kissing surely gave me a heart attack. to not shame myself during the play, i practised kissing in front of mirror several times, to make sure i do it perfectly. imagine the mirror as the girl i was about to kiss, and then laid my lips on the cold mirror surface and then... yuck. come to think of it, yea i was crazy to do that.

when it came to the real play, my heart was doubling the rate. right after touching her lips for 2 seconds (original script was 5 seconds) i immediately retracted my lips from her, so that when snow white opened her eyes she would see a pathetic prince panting to recover from his first kiss.

but after the kiss, there was a lift of burden from me. maybe thinking of kissing someone at my age was troubling me. but what satisfied me the most was the applause and cheers we received from the audience and thanks to the supportive comments from my friends.

i am not sure if the princess, YT remembers, but i definitely remember my first kiss, even though it is not to or from a boy. my first kiss with a boy was supposed to be a passionate one, which happened much later as i grew. compared to the first kiss with girl, my first boys kissing wasnt a "glory" one.

to be continued,
Evan

part 1 - when you see the lights

i dont know if this is a good idea. well... well...  i shouldnt hesitate, should i?

credited to Jino for proof read and editorial work

i should start by saying that i am actually a gay. adding to it, i think i knew my orientation since i was small. should be around 9 or 10 years old. too young to understand the idea of homosexual? not really. if my memory serves me correctly, i always pay attention to boys more than girls in my youth years.

how should i say? to make things simple, i like to see guys more than girls. in tv, in newspaper, in magazines, anywhere everywhere. i remember when i was 9, or maybe 10, we went to port dickson for beach. after finish playing water, i was suppose to go to the cubicles to wash up. not sure if i remember wrongly, the cubicles had no doors. there, i didnt wait for my turn and rush into a cubicle to wash off the dirt when there is a young man washing too. my heart was beating fast. of course i didnt know why, i think i enjoy the moment bathing together, even as a young boy not knowing that it is wrong to bathe together especially with strangers. and of course when i told my mum, she asked me not to do it again. then it came to me that the fast beating is actually my excitement. some argue it was due to something new that a child experience, not because i was excited sexually. i didnt argue because i didnt know either.

and then storm warriors. aaron kwok and ekin cheng. there were scenes where they were nude, topless etc. in the midnight i replay the movie to watch the same scenes countless times, many nights. without my parents knowing of course. how is it? does it confirm that i am gay or just curious about male? i wasnt sure either. but rest assured, i started to realize the difference between male and female. for the rest of my youth i paid more attention to males such as leonardo decaprio, or andy lau. when i was young i hyperly fascinated takuya kimura. there was a time japanese drama was so popular, every saturday and sunday will be filled with hot japs. water boys was one of it ^_^. ladies? sorry they never caught my attention. talking about ladies, i find them disgusting and annoying >_<

i remembered how my mum told us that boys should not touch a girl, and dont let a girl touch us. boys should not disturb girls. boys should love girls and boys are forbidden to love boys. i didnt ask her what if boys and boys loving each other, but i know whats her answer.

there are many cases not recorded in my diary that leads me to the conclusion that i am gay. the most concrete evidence that leads me to the conclusion was when i was 12, few of us were playing doctors and nurses and patients. acted as a patient who had an car accident, i lied down on the floor with only my pants and let the nurse (girl) check me out (just playing masak masak actually) nothing happened. and then when the doctor (boy) came and checked me, i had a boner. isnt it clear already? i was aroused when a boy touched me but i didnt dare tell anyone. maybe it wasnt my first to get a boner, that incident was a remarkable one for me.

during my youth, i was more of a closeted boy, never told anyone, afraid of being found out. not to mention i did not behave like other kids who grab each others cock when playing kejar kejar, i afraid that they tell my parents. i didnt have good memories about being gay till late 12 years old. i started to find out more after kissing my friend at the age of 12 (maybe will write next time). then on, i had a crush on him and fantasize of him more often than my homework. he was one of the top students in my batch and looked cute in his uniform. but he migrate to jakarta with his parents, and had grown slightly fatter than what he should grow. so i dont find him cute anymore. anyway that was a crush and not love. only when i entered my lower secondary school i learn that gay is the term for boys loving boys. proceeding further, i discovered more about gay life and the society, about sex, tfk, gays, erotic stories and most importantly, internet. but i am not writing about it now yet.

in conclusion, my life as a youth was pretty dull. i didnt know right away that i like guys and dont like girls. after years of thinking, i concluded myself gay and kept it to myself only. i didnt think anyone would realize as i act as straightly as i could. i did not know how to explained my abnormality. only recently i could talk to my cousin who is at my age. he is not gay, but he is the open type and accepted me as a good friend and cousin.

from,

Evan

whats next?

i was thinking to write about my life in this society, where guys attracted to guys are deemed not normal. it may take some time to flip back my diaries and reconstruct the whole scenarios for easy reading.

but i wasnt sure if i can do this, espcecially if my brothers and parents found out i am here, i will go for eternity. my friends will slam me if they find out my orientation. at the same time i feel to share some part of my stories at the same time preserve them like how others do. its not like i have many readers to share with, and internet being so vast and dangerous chickened me out.

maybe i should first try before worrying too much.

recovering,

Evan