part 1 - when you see the lights

i dont know if this is a good idea. well... well...  i shouldnt hesitate, should i?

credited to Jino for proof read and editorial work

i should start by saying that i am actually a gay. adding to it, i think i knew my orientation since i was small. should be around 9 or 10 years old. too young to understand the idea of homosexual? not really. if my memory serves me correctly, i always pay attention to boys more than girls in my youth years.

how should i say? to make things simple, i like to see guys more than girls. in tv, in newspaper, in magazines, anywhere everywhere. i remember when i was 9, or maybe 10, we went to port dickson for beach. after finish playing water, i was suppose to go to the cubicles to wash up. not sure if i remember wrongly, the cubicles had no doors. there, i didnt wait for my turn and rush into a cubicle to wash off the dirt when there is a young man washing too. my heart was beating fast. of course i didnt know why, i think i enjoy the moment bathing together, even as a young boy not knowing that it is wrong to bathe together especially with strangers. and of course when i told my mum, she asked me not to do it again. then it came to me that the fast beating is actually my excitement. some argue it was due to something new that a child experience, not because i was excited sexually. i didnt argue because i didnt know either.

and then storm warriors. aaron kwok and ekin cheng. there were scenes where they were nude, topless etc. in the midnight i replay the movie to watch the same scenes countless times, many nights. without my parents knowing of course. how is it? does it confirm that i am gay or just curious about male? i wasnt sure either. but rest assured, i started to realize the difference between male and female. for the rest of my youth i paid more attention to males such as leonardo decaprio, or andy lau. when i was young i hyperly fascinated takuya kimura. there was a time japanese drama was so popular, every saturday and sunday will be filled with hot japs. water boys was one of it ^_^. ladies? sorry they never caught my attention. talking about ladies, i find them disgusting and annoying >_<

i remembered how my mum told us that boys should not touch a girl, and dont let a girl touch us. boys should not disturb girls. boys should love girls and boys are forbidden to love boys. i didnt ask her what if boys and boys loving each other, but i know whats her answer.

there are many cases not recorded in my diary that leads me to the conclusion that i am gay. the most concrete evidence that leads me to the conclusion was when i was 12, few of us were playing doctors and nurses and patients. acted as a patient who had an car accident, i lied down on the floor with only my pants and let the nurse (girl) check me out (just playing masak masak actually) nothing happened. and then when the doctor (boy) came and checked me, i had a boner. isnt it clear already? i was aroused when a boy touched me but i didnt dare tell anyone. maybe it wasnt my first to get a boner, that incident was a remarkable one for me.

during my youth, i was more of a closeted boy, never told anyone, afraid of being found out. not to mention i did not behave like other kids who grab each others cock when playing kejar kejar, i afraid that they tell my parents. i didnt have good memories about being gay till late 12 years old. i started to find out more after kissing my friend at the age of 12 (maybe will write next time). then on, i had a crush on him and fantasize of him more often than my homework. he was one of the top students in my batch and looked cute in his uniform. but he migrate to jakarta with his parents, and had grown slightly fatter than what he should grow. so i dont find him cute anymore. anyway that was a crush and not love. only when i entered my lower secondary school i learn that gay is the term for boys loving boys. proceeding further, i discovered more about gay life and the society, about sex, tfk, gays, erotic stories and most importantly, internet. but i am not writing about it now yet.

in conclusion, my life as a youth was pretty dull. i didnt know right away that i like guys and dont like girls. after years of thinking, i concluded myself gay and kept it to myself only. i didnt think anyone would realize as i act as straightly as i could. i did not know how to explained my abnormality. only recently i could talk to my cousin who is at my age. he is not gay, but he is the open type and accepted me as a good friend and cousin.

from,

Evan