damn you and f*** off

5 December

EC (the ex i broke up with recently) asked me out today. i didnt have anything to do at home so i agreed. he asked me to meet at his house but i insisted on meeting him in pc fair.

pc fair has a lot of things to see and if i have the cash i would buy an external hard disk. there are a lot of gadgets, a lot of cameras and hot "ducks" ^_^.

i saw him coming from the entrance of hall 3 but i pretended not to see him. i let him found me on purpose and he led me out of the place as it was too noisy to talk, so he said.

he invited me on lunch and since he was treating, why would i reject his offer? i had prosperity burger for my lunch while he had big mc. big mc is my favourite in mcd. he let me had a bite of his in return he took one mouth of my prosperity. fine, a fair trade.

he invited me back home after lunch. as the day was pretty boring, i followed him back to his house. as i entered his house, i can smell the stench of his unwashed clothes piling in his room neatly. he still put the present i gave him on his table. i took my bath in his house like i always do. let the shower hit me hard and washed away my tiredness. i came out in full attire (jeans and shirt) so that i did not increase his horniness and to avoid unnecessary actions.

"wheres DL (also my ex, but dating EC at the moment)?"

"at home, why?"

"why am i here?"

"we can chat quietly here"

"what are we chatting?"

and then slowly he approached me from behind, wrap his hands around my body and hugged me gently and tightly. i did not resist. i knew very well i still miss him, no matter how much i hate him. i miss his smell. i miss his hug. i felt so warm and protected with him hugging me. he put his head next to mine from behind, whispered...

"i am sorry dear"

"sorry, what dear?" (my heart melted)

"no matter what you are still my dear"

"who is DL to you then?"

"my other dear"

"you are just another jerk. you love me or my body?"

he shut my mouth by deep kissing me and i can still taste the tomato sauce he had earlier.

"you have not answered me!"

this time he slipped his fingers into my pants, trying to reach my weak spot. it didnt take long to unbuttoned my shirt and jeans and reached my cock. and i felt weak immediately.

still kissing me, he rubbed his hand on my chest and my cock. i dont deny i feel good being rubbed again, probably because i didnt cum for a long time already. but i know very well what he wants and who he is. i elbowed him on his stomach hard enough to let him groan in pain. i re-buttoned my shirt and pants bring myself to light.

"EC, if you really love me you wouldnt have DL between us"

"EC, if what you want is my body, there a lot better out there"

"EC, if you think that i will return to you, convince me first"

"EC, i still love you but can you please behave as a good bf?"

"EC, if you have not answered all my request, can you please stop disturbing me?"

"EC, DL should be waiting for you. it is not me who you should ask out"

i knew his house too well. i left his house as if it was my house, and walked to tasik selatan lrt, head back home and acted as if nothing had happened. in my room i cried and hated EC more. i love him at the same time he is hurting me more.

if i want to hang out, i can find anyone but not him. if i want to make love, it will not be with him. i would have lower down my morality by seeking ons with other people than to do with a heart breaker such as him. i shouldnt entertain his offer and now i regret go out with him. its already hard to put myself together and he was doing it again. damn him for entering my life and please f*** off.

tearing apart,

Evan

part 2 - my first kiss?

credited to you know who.

first kiss award goes to my mum! hahaha.

if she is not counted, it was a farewell party for school leavers (primary 6, 12 years old) when i had my first kiss and i was part of the cast for a fairy tale sketch. in the snow white sketch, i was suppose to kiss her in the last scene. yes, i am a prince.

i took the cast very seriously. when my friends knew i am going to kiss the princess, they giggled and smiled as if it was something embarrassing to do. i was like... uhh. why do i have to kiss her? yes thinking of kissing surely gave me a heart attack. to not shame myself during the play, i practised kissing in front of mirror several times, to make sure i do it perfectly. imagine the mirror as the girl i was about to kiss, and then laid my lips on the cold mirror surface and then... yuck. come to think of it, yea i was crazy to do that.

when it came to the real play, my heart was doubling the rate. right after touching her lips for 2 seconds (original script was 5 seconds) i immediately retracted my lips from her, so that when snow white opened her eyes she would see a pathetic prince panting to recover from his first kiss.

but after the kiss, there was a lift of burden from me. maybe thinking of kissing someone at my age was troubling me. but what satisfied me the most was the applause and cheers we received from the audience and thanks to the supportive comments from my friends.

i am not sure if the princess, YT remembers, but i definitely remember my first kiss, even though it is not to or from a boy. my first kiss with a boy was supposed to be a passionate one, which happened much later as i grew. compared to the first kiss with girl, my first boys kissing wasnt a "glory" one.

to be continued,
Evan

part 1 - when you see the lights

i dont know if this is a good idea. well... well...  i shouldnt hesitate, should i?

credited to Jino for proof read and editorial work

i should start by saying that i am actually a gay. adding to it, i think i knew my orientation since i was small. should be around 9 or 10 years old. too young to understand the idea of homosexual? not really. if my memory serves me correctly, i always pay attention to boys more than girls in my youth years.

how should i say? to make things simple, i like to see guys more than girls. in tv, in newspaper, in magazines, anywhere everywhere. i remember when i was 9, or maybe 10, we went to port dickson for beach. after finish playing water, i was suppose to go to the cubicles to wash up. not sure if i remember wrongly, the cubicles had no doors. there, i didnt wait for my turn and rush into a cubicle to wash off the dirt when there is a young man washing too. my heart was beating fast. of course i didnt know why, i think i enjoy the moment bathing together, even as a young boy not knowing that it is wrong to bathe together especially with strangers. and of course when i told my mum, she asked me not to do it again. then it came to me that the fast beating is actually my excitement. some argue it was due to something new that a child experience, not because i was excited sexually. i didnt argue because i didnt know either.

and then storm warriors. aaron kwok and ekin cheng. there were scenes where they were nude, topless etc. in the midnight i replay the movie to watch the same scenes countless times, many nights. without my parents knowing of course. how is it? does it confirm that i am gay or just curious about male? i wasnt sure either. but rest assured, i started to realize the difference between male and female. for the rest of my youth i paid more attention to males such as leonardo decaprio, or andy lau. when i was young i hyperly fascinated takuya kimura. there was a time japanese drama was so popular, every saturday and sunday will be filled with hot japs. water boys was one of it ^_^. ladies? sorry they never caught my attention. talking about ladies, i find them disgusting and annoying >_<

i remembered how my mum told us that boys should not touch a girl, and dont let a girl touch us. boys should not disturb girls. boys should love girls and boys are forbidden to love boys. i didnt ask her what if boys and boys loving each other, but i know whats her answer.

there are many cases not recorded in my diary that leads me to the conclusion that i am gay. the most concrete evidence that leads me to the conclusion was when i was 12, few of us were playing doctors and nurses and patients. acted as a patient who had an car accident, i lied down on the floor with only my pants and let the nurse (girl) check me out (just playing masak masak actually) nothing happened. and then when the doctor (boy) came and checked me, i had a boner. isnt it clear already? i was aroused when a boy touched me but i didnt dare tell anyone. maybe it wasnt my first to get a boner, that incident was a remarkable one for me.

during my youth, i was more of a closeted boy, never told anyone, afraid of being found out. not to mention i did not behave like other kids who grab each others cock when playing kejar kejar, i afraid that they tell my parents. i didnt have good memories about being gay till late 12 years old. i started to find out more after kissing my friend at the age of 12 (maybe will write next time). then on, i had a crush on him and fantasize of him more often than my homework. he was one of the top students in my batch and looked cute in his uniform. but he migrate to jakarta with his parents, and had grown slightly fatter than what he should grow. so i dont find him cute anymore. anyway that was a crush and not love. only when i entered my lower secondary school i learn that gay is the term for boys loving boys. proceeding further, i discovered more about gay life and the society, about sex, tfk, gays, erotic stories and most importantly, internet. but i am not writing about it now yet.

in conclusion, my life as a youth was pretty dull. i didnt know right away that i like guys and dont like girls. after years of thinking, i concluded myself gay and kept it to myself only. i didnt think anyone would realize as i act as straightly as i could. i did not know how to explained my abnormality. only recently i could talk to my cousin who is at my age. he is not gay, but he is the open type and accepted me as a good friend and cousin.

from,

Evan

whats next?

i was thinking to write about my life in this society, where guys attracted to guys are deemed not normal. it may take some time to flip back my diaries and reconstruct the whole scenarios for easy reading.

but i wasnt sure if i can do this, espcecially if my brothers and parents found out i am here, i will go for eternity. my friends will slam me if they find out my orientation. at the same time i feel to share some part of my stories at the same time preserve them like how others do. its not like i have many readers to share with, and internet being so vast and dangerous chickened me out.

maybe i should first try before worrying too much.

recovering,

Evan

how we end

the end started when he wants to sleep that night. he is a late nigher and that night he said he was extremely tired and went to bed early. actually that raised my suspicion very much as it is not like him to sleep so early. so i checked him out on fb and saw him online. he immediately offline after i sent him my text. and then i asked my friend to check tt if he is online, coz i am a banana. to my surprise he is online, according to my friend.

i called him up, hoping that he will wake up and answer my call to explain. to my disappointment, he didnt. so i called his brother, GC who is also my friend, to wake my bf (EC) up. his reply sent me a shock when i found out that his brother was not at home.

why is he bluffing? what makes him need to cheat at me? i have long suspected him having affair but he dismissed all allegations previously. he is not back, full of suspicion. as of me, i drove all the way to my exs (DL) house in kepong for his help. again to my surprise, i found my bfs car at his house. whats going on???

D lives in a ground floor apartment. i go to the windows where his room is located, peeked inside. to my astonishment, i saw 2 muscular figures riding each other on a cowboy position. from the moaning, i can clearly guess they are my bf and my ex. no doubt its them. after few minutes they changed into missionary position.

i couldnt watch them any longer and left the house in tears. why? my ex who dumped me, with my bf who loves me? doesnt make sense! why?

i drove to my bfs house, reached at 2am. in the meantime i was thinking how to deal with this situation. everything is so sudden i could not think. my mind was congested with their actions on bed and the voices in sweat. how did they come together in the first place? who is top, who is bot?

its 5am and finally his car came back. of coz he was shocked to see me there. i was expecting all sort of lies from him that night. yes he gave me excuses that he was with his friends on that night coz his friend was dumped and he needed to calm him down. and how they walked into a bar and drank off and didnt want to leave till his friend slept. and doesnt want to let me know coz afraid i will be angry.

but when i told him what i observed, he was so calm. although he didnt expect me to know, he finally revealed the truth that curtains me all the time.

the reason my ex dumped me was because of my bf. back then my ex, D was with me and at the same time date with my bf EC. both of them met in gym. so it was a double dating or sort that of coz i did not aware of. when D dumped me last year i was so sad and down that i did not believe in love anymore. but it was E who brought me to the light and cared for me, hugged me and cheered me up when i was lost and lowest in my life. it was EC who shared my pain. but now i know the true meaning behind this conspiracy. EC pitied me and worried that i will kill myself when D broke up with me, so EC approached me and made sure i survive. and now i survived, EC pushed me into hell again and probably asked someone to act as angel to save me. E at the same time was taking D as either a bf or sex buddy, which i wasnt sure.

i am very angry at how they cheated me and left me in darkness, when all they could say is sorry. of all people, one who i loved and one who i love were making out together, in secret, probably grinning together. i bet they have countless good memories while i was not around. they must have good sex activities when i was studying in sabah. arghh i cannot imagine anymore. curse these 2.

the story continues actually. after that night, i mean next morning, we met up again to discuss our path and future because i dont want to drag anything. as we talked we engaged into one last sex on bed, as a mark to end our 1 year relationship. it wasnt a hot one because i totally lost my love and interest on him. but as a gentleman i fulfill his last wish as a bf and fucked him raw. without fingering him, i inserted my cock into his hole and pumped him hard before i cum into him. i made sure i pump hard and fast to make sure his hole break and bleed. serve him right! he wont able to have sex for couple of weeks. and then after sex i bathe, slammed his house door and left the place. i never look back and i think its cool to think this way. never look back. thus the end of my job as a bf.

the feel of being cheated kills. especially by the 2 jerks who i thought i can trust the most. after this incident, can i trust anyone else? the wound remains and takes forever to heal. meanwhile i will back to my self. a cheap slut who doesnt care about anything else. i want to enjoy my life. they are too proud of themselves when they think i am too submitted. if they treat me this way, what difference are they to ons and sex buddy? knowing them having affair was crazy. i wish i can erase them from my memories. my first and second love, ended.

angry,
Evan

untitled 001

why did he hurt me like this? all this while i was tolerating him, care for him, worry him. and even go all the way to his house to check him out. but all i find is that he is not at home at 2am. i waited him to come back like an idiot.

5am, he finally came back and told me everything. he was very upset with my pressure and 'existence' that causes him to find another person to 'release' his stress.

and worst, he was doing it with my ex! how can he do this to me? my bf and my ex together without me knowing! i will not tolerate him anymore. ARGHHH!!!

they... they... they... i cannot imagine which position they did and how long they did. or were they playing safe? i dont give a damn anymore. my bf is now my another ex which i dont give a damn coz he hurts me just like my other ex-es. damn you all.

i will show you, eric. i still have my market value. you are too proud coz i care and submit too much to you. i wish you have a good day with my ex. in turn i will find people and hurt you just like how you hurt me.

i will become a slut again, whoring with everyone who is interested with me. at least they will appreciate my face and body, unlike you. even if they are not sincere, they are better than you who cheat my love and time and money. at least they told me what they really want, which are my body and my hole. you? you want my love and i gave to you. what have you given me in return? disappointment and frustration. you are a jerk!

damn i dont have enough sleep. JERK!!!

disappointed,

Evan

endure love

leisure around in msn too bored with ample of time to kill, i asked if there is anything i can do. guess what my friends suggest?

they asked me to come here and start writing instead of disturbing others. hence, my first post here.

i do not really know what to write for first post as i am very new to blogging. the blogger systems and picasa are good enough to keep me busy for today. more importantly, the layout design and title for my blog to attract readers are the area i stressed most.

one of my favourite pictures. resembles my feeling when ending my last relationship.

how long can my enthusiasm last? how passionate i am in blogging? i have no idea and i will allow the time to determine my determination here.

till i have something else to post, i will just decorate my blog as decent as possible.

hugs,

Evan